Moving home...

So I've decided to move back to Texas.  James's idea.  We started this process months ago, the thinking and contemplating and then the plunge (the breaking up with work, my own patients, friends, my gynecologist, my primary care doctor, the gal who does my lashes and my esthetician).  It was bittersweet really because I love my clinic/work and its hard to get excited about another when you feel happy with the current.  This is where we've been the longest (since 2013), even longer than Alaska.  We had little Jess here... Portland.  I actually have so, so many memories in Portland.  I lived another life really, a married without kids life, back when Portland was perfect and I was part of retired youth, the early 2000's.  

I returned to northeast Texas a month ago for a job interview.  It was a culture shock--Never mind that I grew up there for a good 26 years.  Still, CUL-TURE shock!  I had very frigid feet about moving upon my return but not enough to withdraw my decision.  You know, it is just so religious there, so in your face, so how will this affect my kids, how does this mesh with my family values, how does this affect my kids, will I fuck them up?...will they actually become real life Bo and Luke Dukes?  I feel secure in my identity as an atheist but the living is just so easy in Portland...for an atheist.  I did panic.  I did, on the way back home from Texas, at the airport, in Dallas...I signed up for the East Texas Atheist group.  I haven't responded to their FB group questions...yet.

The other thing was the commitment to work, a 6 year stint.  I have regarded myself, along with many people from my past, as a commitment phobic person.  I get really nervous about that, I usually cannot commit to a get together if it is not in the coming 3 days...its pretty bad by myself.  Though, I've had to overcome this a bit with kids because you have to commit to things lest their hearts become broken and there I am, the asshole--I hate that.  However, after some contemplation, perhaps I've just bought into this identity trait--I have actually committed to many relationships:  once for 8 years (a marriage), another 8 years in my late teens-early 20s--this was very dysfunctional with frequent breaking up though--possibly I've never dated so much in my life during those 8 years...several times I committed to 9 month relationships (planned breakups due to planned leaving of the country for travel--important in your 20s I think) and most importantly, to James, going on 10 years now--fascinating really because nobody thought we'd make it, well mostly his ex-girlfriend didn't think we would, haha...  Also, I committed to medical school, residency and my current job (5 years) thank you very much so apparently, commitment is not the problem we all thought it was for me--I have stick-to-i-tive-ness after all!

I am rabbit trailing though...
There are many positive aspects to Texas:  lower lost of living, land--acreage really, the experience of building your home as you want and being able to afford that (not in Portland), great PUBLIC schools, growing up in Texas, being from Texas (this is the coolest though Alaska is a very close second), very aggressively nice folks....

I can only say that after much contemplation, mostly on a 40 minute drive to work one fine morning, I decided I am ok, ok with the 6 year commitment to a job ("or else you have to pay us back the 300 bazillion dollars we gave you" situation) and the aggressive religious undertones that may isolate my children in school when kids find out their parents are atheists--I am ok because my reason, our reason (remember, James's idea) is sound--FAMILY--I have this amazing, magical family that makes me laugh, loves me for me, quirky, full of fire and gusto Texas family that would be criminal to not expose my most beloved souls to--that James, my Jack and Jess...I realized that my heart is where ever they are and my home is where my heart is and my heart is that of a mother and if you're a mother...then enough said...I have to do this thing...

The first holiday...

The first holiday after losing a loved one sneaks up behind you...right behind the emotions that you put away so you can do your life, be a mom, be positive, be a partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend who needs you, a doctor...

I live away from my family so I thought this Thanksgiving would be like any other day.  I think about my mother every day so why would yesterday have been different?  The rest of my family experienced such a different holiday than usual--usually lunch is at my parent's house and everyone is there, more than 30 people come to eat.  This year was different, the family did not get together in one place, everyone had lunch in various places, with other family....my mother was in fact the glue.  

Yesterday, I thought about how I didn't know the last time I ate my mom's:

-Japanese egg rolls ("meats pies")
-Fried rice
-Mashed potatoes
-Fried pork chops
-Fried chicken
-Homemade french fries
-Pecan pie
-Pound cake

...would be the last time I ever ate them, the way she made them...she made them the best....I miss her

My mom and I (middle) in the mid 70's, Okinawa, Japan

Losing my mom...

Recently, I spent 1 month in Texas.  I went because my mother transitioned to hospice.  We learned that she had adenocarcinoma of the lung, stage 4, back in February (2017).  I left in a hurry on a Friday; I was not prepared to stay for so long--I took 2 pairs of panties--I thought I'd be back in 1 week given dying can take months.  

I had mixed feelings on the redeye plane ride there; my mother and I fought just one month prior, when I'd been visiting, and I had not felt sad since then; rather I was angry and frustrated with her. I started to wonder what my problem was--how could I not feel sad?  This all melted away when I finally laid eyes on her.  It reassured me that I wasn't some sort of deviant.  

She was so tiny, maybe 75 lbs by then.  She seemed at peace and spunky, her usual.  She still managed to smile and laugh through tears with eyes locked.  I miss her love of laughter (as well as her unconditional participation in gossip).

Watching someone die is fascinated and excruciating; this was my first experience with that.  I have felt guilty for decades because I do not live near my family and so I visit infrequently; taking care of someone while they're dying helps to absolve some of that guilt.

I don't know what's better--sudden loss, unexpectedly, without a chance to say goodbye or slow and drawn out with ample opportunity to say all you want.  Everyday she grew weaker and more fragile which was striking in such a strong woman, strong in every way--even at a previous 110 lbs (when I was growing up), she could beat me arm wrestling.  My mother was a stubborn and tough little Okinawan woman, a jewel really.

As days went by, she became less lucid, less responsive.  Just prior to a significant turning point, she punked my whole family by saying her goodbye/goodnight speech.  This was the most emotionally draining day for us because we really did believe she had decided it was time and she was just going to go to sleep and not wake up; she woke about 4 hours later and stayed with us almost 2 more weeks. Enough time for a 'golden glow' which consisted of a dance with my sweet nephew, an amazing man of only 21 years old.

We slept in shifts, my mother couldn't have had better care:  an RN (well, about 1 year to go in school), a physician (me), a medical assistant, a very brilliant and dedicated niece, and a loyal nephew.  It was amazing to have her entire family about her the whole time.  My dad hardly left her side.  I have a truly amazing family (enormous too).

She passed away on a beautiful Monday morning in May. 

I love my mom and I miss her so very much but when I talk of her I feel happy in my heart for she had a beautiful life with much joy and I am certain she felt loved. She and my dad have left this incredible legacy--family.

My sweet mom

Component parts of a maternity leave

1.  Alcohol

2.  Running (though not as often as I'd like but enough to stay on the brink of sanity)

3.  Crying-typically because its 3 a.m. & I just changed a poopy diaper 5 times in 45 minutes--no exaggeration here...& changed tiny long sleeved clothes 3 times due to marked spit up. 

4.  Coffee--I don't care if it purportedly decreases my breast milk production. 

What was NOT included:

1.  Sleep

2.  Going to the bathroom alone (sometimes just standing in the bathroom  for several minutes after all business in the bathroom is complete).  Two year olds with new siblings require a lot of mommy time & attention.

3.  Daily hygiene

4. Regular meals or warm meals 

Having 2 kids is HARD (when one is a toddler & the other is tiny), so, so challenging....80% of the time, it feels like drowning, exhaustive treading water--you're so tired but you can't break or you'll just drift downward toward your demise; it's really hard....

One kid is nothing really, when you think it's hard times...think again....good luck with yours. 

It's all so, so worth it though....I wouldn't change anything...

Happy returns...

The daily Jane has been on vacation for some time.  See, I was busy (see previous post); I've been losing myself, finding myself, trying to accept there's very little self left...you know, general parenthood-ing...

It's been a great 2 years with Jack, love of my life, very difficult job, being a mom.  Now, we have another jewel on the way, due in December; in fact, only about 3 weeks until he's ready to emerge though when is up to him...we'll just wait & be patient.

Also, I've finished residency, finally.  Moved away from beautiful Alaska with my James, & after many travels, ended up  in Portland, Oregon, kinda where things left off about 10 years ago, in a different life.  I'm a practicing family physician in a rural community near Portland, like it.  Challenging.  Better than residency for sure.  

Jane, James, Jack:  camping

It took a couple of years to come to grips with this new life.  Leaving education & training behind after, what??, 20 years (I was jogging toward that goal since the 90s or something)...its weird not to have a "goal" anymore, to have achieved, no more chasing, hoop jumping.  Just living now...kind of a bummer at first.  I'm a forward/goal making person.  Now I have to be an enjoying/relaxing person--which I'm managing, "a lady of leisure".  Still my creative bug is starting to buzz.  Part of that is writing about whatever the hell I want.  I don't care if you care, blogs are for the person writing them, in my opinion.  This blog is just for me...

Typically, I'm pretty complainy on this blog, I'll try to continue to be a little asshole-ish; I like that, I'm not so much that way in my day to day though my job could handle it if I was--you know doctors are stereotypically douchy but I like being nice to people if I can, more smiles in a 10 hour shift is good for my soul.

Baby Apocalypse: The end of life as we know it...

Day #1:  it's all about adrenaline & excitement, the maiden voyage home.  Baby sleeps a lot.  I worry constantly about whether I should wake the baby or let him sleep....among other paranoias (read on).  James and I stare at, no, we stalk the baby all day long & remark, ad nauseam, about how adorable, cute, handsome, sweet, perfect he is....we're running out of adjectives.  

Novice parent epic poop diaper change #1:  It takes the two of us, a team now, to do so....& it takes about 10 minutes per diaper.  (I am down to about one minute now, for poopie diapers--I am a fast learner with wicked hand-eye coordination).  Rule #1, you must give them time to wrap it up.  Outcome:  well, he continued to poop during the tedious, tenuous diaper transition, right at that exact point....and....and parents lose, Jack 1, parents zero!  Just to rub that shortcoming in, he pees....everywhere, on James, on me....in my eye, IN MY EYE...really; those penis tents don't sound so stupid now.  We laugh & laugh!  

Sleep deprivation:  The first week of parenthood makes residency call look like a vacation.  In one week, I think 20 hours of sleep total is a generous overestimate.  Nighttime fades into a blur of a day which blurs into several days....it's all the same.  I have to check the day today & the time.

So, I feel as though parenthood is a secret society.  No one tells you how hard its going to be; on the other hand, you wouldn't believe it if they did; there are no words to convey this; it's one of those things you just have no idea about until you are inside the experience.  I know all the veteran parents are laughing at us novice parents.  It is quite incredible, surreal (especially if you never really imagined yourself a parent growing up).  We love it, but man, we're exhausted.  

No one tells you that you'll obsess about whether he's breathing & alive every minute that he's sleeping & that every noise is him probably choking & that "...the universe is conspiring to kill my baby, I'm sure" (per James)...that you worry constantly that you will screw something up.  Its worse when you're a physician I think...for about 24 hours I was certain my baby had Maple Syrup Urine Disease....what the...?  I told James--he thought I was losing my mind, who knows, maybe I am, I haven't slept.  I don't think he has MSUD anymore.  Its crazy, the journey that a tired, stressed, anxious, & hopelessly in love mind will wind you through.

He's 10 days old today.  I love that little Jack more than I could ever imagine loving anything in the universe.  Also, I love that man, the one who shares this sentiment toward the object of my affections.  James, I don't have words for the dad he is....lucky, lucky girl.

I am ecstatically happy, beaming.

The plight of the pseudo-retired...

I really, really miss Alaska...


This is actually surprising to me seeing as though I was ready to get the hell outta there, away from the 6 month winters, the unreliable summers, the deficiency of sun dress & sandal wearing (plenty of boot weather though)...the overall deficiency of sunlight. Those sentiments likely had a little to do with my current status (you know, being in the family way) & a lotta to do with finishing residency(a sharp endpoint).  


Durango is great on paper.  There's endless trails; in fact, there's a trail system right outside our door. There's the Animas river which supplies endless fishing, tubing, & rafting (some of the most fun I've ever had), rock climbing (which I'd like to get back into), mountain biking (which I'd love to love)....its quite lovely, really, but it lacks a certain vibe.  I haven't figured it out...Admittedly, I had the vibe in Alaska; it was right when I set foot on the plane headed to Alaska back in 2008.  


Currently, I feel a little like we're floating, waiting....which we are, to some extent, on little Jack's entrance.  I have no sense of home right now; I certainly don't feel that I belong in Colorado, not yet, not today at least.  You know, Texas is my home, & when I'm at the house where I grew up, that feels comfortable, like home that's familiar, not really where you feel you belong though, more where I want to be from. It's too hot to live in Tejas though & too flat & too repulican. 


I don't know, maybe it's because I don't have a set goal for the first time in my life.  My goals are now to pursue my hobbies...you know, sewing, read everything, knit, travel, run my heart out....& oh yes, be the best doctor I can be & oh yeah, be a great mother....& partner, for James.  All important, especially the latter two tasks...more important than anything probably.


I always move to a place with the intention of leaving at some point.  I didn't move to Alaska thinking that; rather, I was hoping to put roots down there, but the possibility of moving on was always right there on the surface for me.  I can't seem to shake that intrinsic character flaw.  Its challenging to exist in a place without an endpoint.   


I wonder, is this what people feel like when they retire? 

Pending arrival: Jack the fetus

My time carrying Jack the fetus is drawing to a close.  My hope is that its sooner rather than later, so is the wish of most moms in their 3rd trimester.  He is large, he is healthy, & his head is perfectly juxtaposed next to my bladder.....for about 10 weeks now.  I am also large, usually short of breath & waddly...


I'm excited to meet my lovely Jack, but man am I ready to have my body back; granted, a new body.  Its hard growing a human in a 1970 something model uterus.   Also, you realize that this is the least sexy you're likely to be to any male (except maybe your baby daddy (who has baby rabies brain & therefore poor judgement) on the planet at any time in your life....however, the anti-anxiety hormones make your attitude totally honey badger....you know, honey badger don't give a shit...


I'm 35 weeks with 5 weeks to go.  My intuition is that he's ready to meet the world & rumor has it that the high altitude makes babies come early (hope! hope!).  Oh yeah, we're in Durango, CO now....that's a whole other story.


And James, who knew a guy could be so sweet on babies....at least one of us is a baby person.   He's incredible; he takes constant care of us without complaint...I'm a lucky girl & Jack's a lucky boy!

You're growing a WHO in your WHAT!

Its been over a year since my last blog; I typically put fingers to keyboard only in those milestone, epic, poignant moments in life. I’m usually stomping through bullshit. I’m happy to report that the last year has been a stable serotonin magic carpet, sans the actually SSRI, au natural, all my brainpower with sideline support from Christina of course. So, I guess that’s good, or boring….however you want to think about it, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”, isn’t that how the saying goes? Maybe you don’t think it quite fits the situation but I think it’s a perfect description.

So, now I return but my medium is not the aforementioned bullshit; the medium at present is more like sweet butterfly shit if you will. As usually, I do everything late, not because I come to revelations routinely after everyone but rather, I’m late because I’m stubborn, just pure obstinate. I mean, yes, sometimes I arrive at sharp, penetrating points later than I’d like to have but hell, at least I arrived, right. Anyway, I digress….this milestone, so, this milestone….easy to arrive at & heavy to surpass, but I’m moving along, slow, like on a unicycle, yeah, that’s pretty fast, & I likely look just as stupid.

Yes sir, its motherhood I speak so cryptically about. Its been a crooked journey at best to get here. I hadn’t sought it out, I had consented to it though (but of course J), but as all gifts in my life, I’m always surprised when I open them. The first part of this story was cold (literally, I had wicked cold intolerance), nauseating (don’t even get me started), and draining (my nocturia is worse than a 90 year old man with uncontrolled, untreated BPH). At first, I was all, “what have I done, this is surely to abscond with my independence, my person!” Then it was all, “what if I don’t have the mothering gene?”. I mean, those who know me well know I’m NOT a baby person, I don’t’ feel a drop of anything when I see babies; now cats, cats make me turn into a blathering idiot…my heart turns flips….I suspect this is how people who love babies feel when they lay eyes on them. This is an alien sentiment to me. I had a big breakdown about that & in the end, realized its okay to just go on being me, its okay if I’m not a baby person; I thought about how cute its voice would probably be & decided I would be just fine. The final resolve came when I told my mom & dad, who were very excited. Bless their hearts, they have something like 13 grand/great-grand kids with one on the way & now another on the way; they rise to the occasion time after time, god how I love them….after that, I found my peace.

Now, if I could only conquer my aversion to meat. I’ve been on the “lets all get gestational diabetes” carbohydrate diet. I’ve gone back to the vegetarianism, am continuing to run like the devil’s chasing me with farting cockroaches & I may still do the Goldnugget in spring….

James is thrilled. He’s so kind & care taking; he feels a renewed purpose which in a way, I can relate to; its nice to interrupt our constant self absorbed lives with new responsibility, responsibility that colors your glasses’ lenses with a new vibrant shade that you never knew was even on your palette.

About 27 wks to go...

Bethel: the last word

For all of you who are tired of my hating on Bethel, well....just don't read on....there is a blog description...uhummmm....a disclaimer above that warns about proclamations, rants, etc.....so, without further adieu....

Some peeps: "So, how was Bethel....?"

Me: ("Well, imagine.....a gal in her mid to late 30's (or something like that), just up for air from emotional life crisis 2 months prior, goes to Bethel for six weeks, in the middle of winter, leaving behind her comfortable bed, moderately priced vegetables, varied diet, microbrews, glorious bed, hot, supportive, loving boyfriend, really nice winter triathlon training, and civilized world- Anchorage, to live with two 20 something year old males (she's never met before) in a 3 bedroom condo home where the temperature is controlled by satan at an alternate, undisclosed location....to share one functioning bathroom, where everyone has to be at work by 8 a.m., nobody wants to get up for the early bathroom shift, someone perpetually leaves the toilet seat up & all of us refuse to clean any portion of said home. (....ahhh.....deja vu)......I've already done this, in the late 90's, when I was in my early to mid 20's & in college, when it was acceptable to eat beans & rice every night with the occasional Ramen Noodle treat thrown in for variety.")

"It wasn't for me....but I have never appreciated Anchorage more"

(By the by....the two guys were actually very nice)

Officially....

I have set my sights on Denver...post-residency, Denver it is. You know, in Colorado....the one with 300+ days of sunshine and four distinct seasons. I have 17 months to go.

I like you Alaska but I need to move out for now & I can't make promises about speedy returns.

I've been researching Denver obsessively. James & I have talked endless hours about it...I'm too excited & he is totally stoked...these feelings juxtaposed with my Bethel experience of course, which is currently in progress, if you haven't already noticed.

Alas, Denver was always at the top of the list, at least for the past 6 months, but now I am making plans & I can hear it calling me....constantly. I want to go right at this moment but...you know, obligations & whatnot.

I am working on the art of patience, something I was once good at. My good friend Dan once said, "Residency can make you one dimentional"...he is so wise. Residency has done a lot of good, but there are a lot of suboptimal experiences as well. For the next 17 months (and beyond), I will work on reclaiming my 3-D self & shaking off the negative....and I will plot my next move....Denver.

Solitude, self imposed vs. forced...is it pony shit or does your life depend on it?...

Many hours spent sitting & thinking...about what I'm supposed to get out of this Bethel business. I'm not talking about the education part....blah, blah, blah...I'm talking about the other stuff. Frankly, the part that I care about, the shit that really matters...

Everyday, I make progress. Part of it is me remembering, to be me; you know, me with open mind, as I once had, before I let circumstance close in around me, when I really believed that the world was truly my oyster....before I let complication & responsibility clutter my life. Really, life has always been as complex, & I have always had responsibilities. Somehow though, I was more at peace. What did I let slip through my gyri to land myself in this life, as I know it now? Some things, I did not intend. All of it though, is my fault.

I guess I am chewing on what I want out of my life in general. Isn't there time to chew on this longer? Well, its all about perspective. My perspective: I have this one life to live, & the time to live it is now. If I adopt this as gospel though...I would be on the next plane out of Bethel, quit residency, and pitch a tent...I'd spend my days trail running and sleeping in sunbeams. Would I? First, why do I see that as the jewel? Do I see this chapter of my life (residency in general) as a close second to what I'd rather be doing? Or even a third, fourth....fifth.... not a all? How do I make amends with my choices? Should I make amends? Maybe I should examine closer, with different eyes, my alternatives in general and specifically, that experience I covet as the jewel.

There is a lot to be said about life in slow motion; I can't do anything about time, but I can change my perception of it. I am attracted to remote spaces,....but I thought myself more of an urban gal. The deal is....in urbania, its easy to forget to savor & be in the moment, comfortable without the next thing yet to experience....my life revolves around plans, future, "to do", "can't forget to...", list making. For Pete's sake...how is it that I am mildly riddled with guilt when I think about how I haven't gone snowboarding this season or spending more time outside this winter? I shouldn't feel guilty; that's toxically wrong. I'm starting to think I just live in a state of unease...feeling of missing out, something left undone, something is unraveled...the antithesis of serene. I know better than this, my foundation is rural; how do I get back to that? Do I really want that back? You know, if you never drive out of the city, you won't be able to see the stars?

Being here feels a little like withdrawal, detox...from plans, superficiality, materialism, triviality (making up the majority of shit) addiction to...hastiness? Am I addicted to haste & motion...which I have certainly mistaken as progress?....to being constantly externally stimulated, concerned about "what's next?". Why does there have to be anything next? I'm exhausted with all the hoops & requirements. "Next"...this may be the most taken for granted concept.

How much better,...or worse, would our relationships be if we did not have all of the exogenous bullshit? What do you usually fight about? James & I are still learning about each other, a lifelong learning experience I suppose; we're two years into it by the way. So, we go tete a tete because of ego....usually. But there is all manner of surface content that may be the result of having too many options as opposed to too little.

Its all a great lead-up to a tragic wreck for a rural operating system (i.e., my brain) in an urban network. Furthermore, when did ANC become urban in my mind....what the hell?

Oopsie daisy....

A good policy: Mandatory aloneness with brain annually. Its like spring cleaning....you really get into those hard to reach areas, sometimes you even find yourself standing on the stool, searching on the high shelf, for that shit you boxed up a while back or sometimes it just falls on your head while you are rummaging around for something else....either way, it won't leave until you confront it....its like cockroaches (C~, I'm sorry for the reference)....

Bethel....is it horsehit? Day #1:

Awake, 5 a.m. (Thank you Jamie for your support & muscles, almost 150 lbs. of luggage to move...6 weeks of food for one...and some boots--well, you know me :)

Landed, 8 a.m. this morning.

Bethel, temperature, -15...or something, colder with the windchill factor, flat & dark.

Me, sleepy, disoriented, cold....my first Bethel thought...."What tha....this is horseshit!"

Later, sunshine...I can see now, yep...its flat, no trees....no trees.

Me, legs & hands frozen....parka fur rimmed hood, never really used, no longer just an accessory...

So, I decided to try on a new attitude since I've been such a stinker for the past week in anticipation of leaving the comforts of my cocoon, my guy, my bed, my gym, my reasonably priced food....let us sight see!....& get salad...

Ford Explorer...not in the mood for exploring...dead, battery dead...plug 'er in & we'll see what happens.

My ass, back inside, de-bundle....

Bethel: today, you are a shit.

CARNIVORE NATION: Miss Texas revisits her roots....

Ah, Tejas. James asked me before I came home, "What are you most looking forward to, besides seeing your family?" I replied, "The smell".

Truly, it smells wonderful here, indescribable....like home I guess, whatever that smells like, different to everyone.

So, I had some goals, mostly I achieved them. They included the following:

1: Eat BBQ

2: Eat Chik-fil-a

3: Eat Sonic

4: Knit like a mad person

5: Run outside

So, I did eat the equivalent of a barnyard of animals & a small school of fish (it was a catfish fry; of course, catfish are solitary, no schooling but whatEVA!). For this, I apologize to Buddha & PETA. James, on the other hand, will be quite proud that I ate all of these animals; I hope he has a parade for me when I get home & a vegetarian meal prepared.

My parents gave me money for my birthday. I am thankful. I spent it on yarn, aforementioned food, & some very fabulous pretties from VS. Not all of it though.

Ya know, I thought I'd do a lot more thinking here. After all, this is my first trip in 20 months. I anticipated a massive cathartic head cleaning. There are tasks that I had planned on doing while here, aside from those important ones above. Actually, some serious ones--facing the past; I thought it might be important. I waited for that drive to push me out there into the road. It never happened. It seems....I didn't need to do it. I guess there was a metamorphosis.

I'm looking forward to the snow back in ANC & snuggles from Jamie.

Miss Texas....

So, that's right, long time, no write. I'm a girl interrupted up to this point, for some time now actually. Thoughts are at least collected now, collected in a box, on a shelf, put away. So, now, I'm present!

I've come to the peak of my uphill, I feel. Its not exactly exhilarating downhill from here, but its gonna be a little cool breeze on the face. I'm at about my half way point of residency. Boards are done, just today. And I'm headed to TEXAS

(on Monday)!

I crave my own experiences, my time, time that belongs to me. Lately, I care less about what needs to be done & I do what I need. Knitting, my comforting friend. Acroyoga & pilates, new delights. There's a guitar in the house now, a new friend-we're still learning about each other. Lessons, coming soon. Running, speaks for itself. I take care.

I dream....of that SUPER COOL, ELECTRIC, SEXY shoe boutique that I'm gonna have some day.....with my cat & my dog keeping me company, my music huggin' on my soul & ...my cup of coffee.

Retrospect, hindsight.....not exactly. Future, forward....embracing the divine being that I am....I grin everyday....I wish everyone BIG, TOOTHY, TEXAS SMILES!

The little girl & her sad light....

It seems that when I NEED to write, I don't write, I can't write. I tried to write 3 other times & I just don't find myself being that honest; I can't find my voice. This past month's been a thorny one, one for the record books maybe. I've been reading voraciously. Dealing with your baggage in stages....well, its hooorrrsseeeshiiitttt......Everyday, in my head, from beginning to end, without interruption....exhausting. Everyday, my anti-matra...."I need to get outta here, I need outta here!"....anti-matra because its negative, its not productive. The matra should be, "Embrace today, life is now".

Now....fall is here. Well, today it snowed (mixed feelings), nothing to stick but close analysis of precipitation by an experienced eye, did result in unequivocal determination that snowflakes were in fact falling in our sky, over Midtown. I'm in a hole & I'm hoping that I don't get stuck down in it, that the snow doesn't close over me.

Winter is just over our mountains. I'm typically more active....its dark, cold, there's snow....all hours of the day so fuck it.....lets go play. In Alaska, this year, the little girl from Texas put her expectation of sun on the table & it only resulted in disappointment. Oh expectation, what a two-faced monster....two-thirds hope & one-third steadfast disappointment, recipe for disaster.....bummer dude.

I am not sure how things will play out. I have a sad light though; its a wise move, to stock up on serotonin.

Alpha brain waves.....I got some up in here....

Synonymous with zen-ness.....lately, I am not undone. In fact, no ranting, at least not from me....maybe from the peanut gallery though, per the usual. What's the key? I think part tinture of time, part sans internet, & I think, part sunshine. So, I know, I had to have internet to do what I'm doing--well, I'm at Middleway Cafe = free internet. I used up all my data in 2 weeks time so home internet's on vacay....what the hell does that mean anyway? This prompted some self reflection....too much internet lady. I like the simplicity. I like not obsessing. I like not caring....caring less actually. I still have the phone; I think that'll do for now.

As for the sunshine, we had summer last week. I think it is fall now. I rode my bike like a crazy person that whole time. Its just less appealing to me in the rain. I miss the color blue when I look up. Soon though. I'm headed to Fort La-d-daddles in October. Mixed feelings about that one but desperate to see friends & feel heat....could be hurricane though...hmmmm.......

Lately, I'm dreaming of getting outta here. I got some ideas. These include: Tucson, Austin, Denver.....to name a few. I'm craving heat & sun....I guess its true what they say...."You can take the girl outta Texas but you can't take the Texas outta the girl". Who knew? Perfect would be part-time physician, shoe boutique owner, & a farm with cats, sheep, & hens....& absence from the country 3/12 months! Ridiculous you say? Impossible? Impossible is nothing....imagine it & it will be so. I miss my momma & my daddy....its really quite simple. Christina told me a few weeks ago, "Come home & fill your cup"--how can I argue with someone who likely knows me better than myself & still loves me all the same? Another friend suggested I keep the keys of my happiness in my own pocket....which I'm pretty good at but sometimes I misplace them, I always find them though--that's something.

I'm gonna love me some bicycle now; my cup's empty & I'm sitting here in the cafe fiddlin' with toxic internet & I can see blue, so......

It takes all kinds...I have to try to be a better person....& who says stubborn isn't the bomb attribute....what do y'all know anyway?

Some peeps take themselves pretty serious & think everyone else should too. We all know & love people like this. Ironically, I don't take them that serious; I try not to anyway. Others are just uncool tools. Not the ones that tell jokes that aren't funny or wear hair from the 80's, I love those people; rather, the whole lot of pedants, narcissists....the clueless chumps & crazy fruitbats; those persons....they wouldn't know humility if it bit 'em in the ass. I'm working on finding the love for those people. Its fine to toot your own horn every now & again but...."...slow it down man!....Your giv'n me a headache." (Homemade biscuits to the one who knows where that quote's from?)

Type A personalities....yeah, I got ya some of that right here....well, I don't think so but certain someones tell me that I have a smidge of this....I TOTALLY disagree (denial) but what-EVA.....I perceive myself as laid back. Of course, if you accuse me of the ol' type A, I will argue with you on this until the cows come home. Rather than type A, I prefer stubborn. Stubborn's not the greatest attribute though but it does get you through some rough ass situations; por ejemplo, el divorcio, medical school, assholes at work, douche bags in life, survival situations....all manner of problemas. I guess, I should think more on how I present my stubbornness though, should I? Maybe I'm harsh, abrasive....I admit I can be both. I aspire to: think about...trying to...work on....my delivery with the stubborn I carry around. I wonder if its about having something to prove? Being heard? Ah....being understood. Being understood is sweet. Is being kind sweeter? How to deal with stubborn....I'm still workin' on that but the bitch of it will be changing when I figure it out, right?

There are loads of things I need to work on. Unfortunately, it often takes a crushing event in life to snap you out of your lull. Its nice though, finally....reacquaintance with breathing, the feeling of coming up for air. Not today, but I had that feeling yesteryear. These days, I sometimes have those crap moments where you realize there is no way, no how you can go on another day, not another moment of all this horseshit, its suffocating. Standing in a line, waiting in traffic.....listening to whining....(I'm whining but you only have to read it so shut it up). Where do I reground? Well, I have Christina, running, fish, books, music, meditation, writing, the desert....stubbornness translated into LIVE you big idiot!....these bring me solace. What keeps me from skipping town, disappearing? Commitment, my word, that voice inside that says, "Stop with the selfishness right now!"....(yeah, that voice....she's a bossy crabass).

Seven Reasons I love backpacking....

1. Getting away from civilization: when I get back though, my patience is still short for crazy drivers & traffic.
2. Turning the phone off: I hate having anxiety when I have to turn it back on.
3. No panties: Yayyyyy....!
4. Not having to take a bath! Its amazing how smelly your body can get, sometimes you find yourself saying...."Wow, that's a new one" when you sniff your armpit--doesn't matter, whomever you're with can't smell it--your smell receptors must block it out after some time: Hot shower after is glorious
5. Hot meal after long day of hiking--everything tastes great!: even the gourmet meal when you get home doesn't compare to the hot one you had sitting in the rain.
6. Pooping in woods: 'nuff said...
7. Cuddlin' in a tent: Well, cuddlin' at home is pretty grand too...