Solitude, self imposed vs. forced...is it pony shit or does your life depend on it?...

Many hours spent sitting & thinking...about what I'm supposed to get out of this Bethel business. I'm not talking about the education part....blah, blah, blah...I'm talking about the other stuff. Frankly, the part that I care about, the shit that really matters...

Everyday, I make progress. Part of it is me remembering, to be me; you know, me with open mind, as I once had, before I let circumstance close in around me, when I really believed that the world was truly my oyster....before I let complication & responsibility clutter my life. Really, life has always been as complex, & I have always had responsibilities. Somehow though, I was more at peace. What did I let slip through my gyri to land myself in this life, as I know it now? Some things, I did not intend. All of it though, is my fault.

I guess I am chewing on what I want out of my life in general. Isn't there time to chew on this longer? Well, its all about perspective. My perspective: I have this one life to live, & the time to live it is now. If I adopt this as gospel though...I would be on the next plane out of Bethel, quit residency, and pitch a tent...I'd spend my days trail running and sleeping in sunbeams. Would I? First, why do I see that as the jewel? Do I see this chapter of my life (residency in general) as a close second to what I'd rather be doing? Or even a third, fourth....fifth.... not a all? How do I make amends with my choices? Should I make amends? Maybe I should examine closer, with different eyes, my alternatives in general and specifically, that experience I covet as the jewel.

There is a lot to be said about life in slow motion; I can't do anything about time, but I can change my perception of it. I am attracted to remote spaces,....but I thought myself more of an urban gal. The deal is....in urbania, its easy to forget to savor & be in the moment, comfortable without the next thing yet to experience....my life revolves around plans, future, "to do", "can't forget to...", list making. For Pete's sake...how is it that I am mildly riddled with guilt when I think about how I haven't gone snowboarding this season or spending more time outside this winter? I shouldn't feel guilty; that's toxically wrong. I'm starting to think I just live in a state of unease...feeling of missing out, something left undone, something is unraveled...the antithesis of serene. I know better than this, my foundation is rural; how do I get back to that? Do I really want that back? You know, if you never drive out of the city, you won't be able to see the stars?

Being here feels a little like withdrawal, detox...from plans, superficiality, materialism, triviality (making up the majority of shit) addiction to...hastiness? Am I addicted to haste & motion...which I have certainly mistaken as progress?....to being constantly externally stimulated, concerned about "what's next?". Why does there have to be anything next? I'm exhausted with all the hoops & requirements. "Next"...this may be the most taken for granted concept.

How much better,...or worse, would our relationships be if we did not have all of the exogenous bullshit? What do you usually fight about? James & I are still learning about each other, a lifelong learning experience I suppose; we're two years into it by the way. So, we go tete a tete because of ego....usually. But there is all manner of surface content that may be the result of having too many options as opposed to too little.

Its all a great lead-up to a tragic wreck for a rural operating system (i.e., my brain) in an urban network. Furthermore, when did ANC become urban in my mind....what the hell?

Oopsie daisy....

A good policy: Mandatory aloneness with brain annually. Its like spring cleaning....you really get into those hard to reach areas, sometimes you even find yourself standing on the stool, searching on the high shelf, for that shit you boxed up a while back or sometimes it just falls on your head while you are rummaging around for something else....either way, it won't leave until you confront it....its like cockroaches (C~, I'm sorry for the reference)....

Bethel....is it horsehit? Day #1:

Awake, 5 a.m. (Thank you Jamie for your support & muscles, almost 150 lbs. of luggage to move...6 weeks of food for one...and some boots--well, you know me :)

Landed, 8 a.m. this morning.

Bethel, temperature, -15...or something, colder with the windchill factor, flat & dark.

Me, sleepy, disoriented, cold....my first Bethel thought...."What tha....this is horseshit!"

Later, sunshine...I can see now, yep...its flat, no trees....no trees.

Me, legs & hands frozen....parka fur rimmed hood, never really used, no longer just an accessory...

So, I decided to try on a new attitude since I've been such a stinker for the past week in anticipation of leaving the comforts of my cocoon, my guy, my bed, my gym, my reasonably priced food....let us sight see!....& get salad...

Ford Explorer...not in the mood for exploring...dead, battery dead...plug 'er in & we'll see what happens.

My ass, back inside, de-bundle....

Bethel: today, you are a shit.

CARNIVORE NATION: Miss Texas revisits her roots....

Ah, Tejas. James asked me before I came home, "What are you most looking forward to, besides seeing your family?" I replied, "The smell".

Truly, it smells wonderful here, indescribable....like home I guess, whatever that smells like, different to everyone.

So, I had some goals, mostly I achieved them. They included the following:

1: Eat BBQ

2: Eat Chik-fil-a

3: Eat Sonic

4: Knit like a mad person

5: Run outside

So, I did eat the equivalent of a barnyard of animals & a small school of fish (it was a catfish fry; of course, catfish are solitary, no schooling but whatEVA!). For this, I apologize to Buddha & PETA. James, on the other hand, will be quite proud that I ate all of these animals; I hope he has a parade for me when I get home & a vegetarian meal prepared.

My parents gave me money for my birthday. I am thankful. I spent it on yarn, aforementioned food, & some very fabulous pretties from VS. Not all of it though.

Ya know, I thought I'd do a lot more thinking here. After all, this is my first trip in 20 months. I anticipated a massive cathartic head cleaning. There are tasks that I had planned on doing while here, aside from those important ones above. Actually, some serious ones--facing the past; I thought it might be important. I waited for that drive to push me out there into the road. It never happened. It seems....I didn't need to do it. I guess there was a metamorphosis.

I'm looking forward to the snow back in ANC & snuggles from Jamie.

Miss Texas....

So, that's right, long time, no write. I'm a girl interrupted up to this point, for some time now actually. Thoughts are at least collected now, collected in a box, on a shelf, put away. So, now, I'm present!

I've come to the peak of my uphill, I feel. Its not exactly exhilarating downhill from here, but its gonna be a little cool breeze on the face. I'm at about my half way point of residency. Boards are done, just today. And I'm headed to TEXAS

(on Monday)!

I crave my own experiences, my time, time that belongs to me. Lately, I care less about what needs to be done & I do what I need. Knitting, my comforting friend. Acroyoga & pilates, new delights. There's a guitar in the house now, a new friend-we're still learning about each other. Lessons, coming soon. Running, speaks for itself. I take care.

I dream....of that SUPER COOL, ELECTRIC, SEXY shoe boutique that I'm gonna have some day.....with my cat & my dog keeping me company, my music huggin' on my soul & ...my cup of coffee.

Retrospect, hindsight.....not exactly. Future, forward....embracing the divine being that I am....I grin everyday....I wish everyone BIG, TOOTHY, TEXAS SMILES!

The little girl & her sad light....

It seems that when I NEED to write, I don't write, I can't write. I tried to write 3 other times & I just don't find myself being that honest; I can't find my voice. This past month's been a thorny one, one for the record books maybe. I've been reading voraciously. Dealing with your baggage in stages....well, its hooorrrsseeeshiiitttt......Everyday, in my head, from beginning to end, without interruption....exhausting. Everyday, my anti-matra...."I need to get outta here, I need outta here!"....anti-matra because its negative, its not productive. The matra should be, "Embrace today, life is now".

Now....fall is here. Well, today it snowed (mixed feelings), nothing to stick but close analysis of precipitation by an experienced eye, did result in unequivocal determination that snowflakes were in fact falling in our sky, over Midtown. I'm in a hole & I'm hoping that I don't get stuck down in it, that the snow doesn't close over me.

Winter is just over our mountains. I'm typically more active....its dark, cold, there's snow....all hours of the day so fuck it.....lets go play. In Alaska, this year, the little girl from Texas put her expectation of sun on the table & it only resulted in disappointment. Oh expectation, what a two-faced monster....two-thirds hope & one-third steadfast disappointment, recipe for disaster.....bummer dude.

I am not sure how things will play out. I have a sad light though; its a wise move, to stock up on serotonin.

Alpha brain waves.....I got some up in here....

Synonymous with zen-ness.....lately, I am not undone. In fact, no ranting, at least not from me....maybe from the peanut gallery though, per the usual. What's the key? I think part tinture of time, part sans internet, & I think, part sunshine. So, I know, I had to have internet to do what I'm doing--well, I'm at Middleway Cafe = free internet. I used up all my data in 2 weeks time so home internet's on vacay....what the hell does that mean anyway? This prompted some self reflection....too much internet lady. I like the simplicity. I like not obsessing. I like not caring....caring less actually. I still have the phone; I think that'll do for now.

As for the sunshine, we had summer last week. I think it is fall now. I rode my bike like a crazy person that whole time. Its just less appealing to me in the rain. I miss the color blue when I look up. Soon though. I'm headed to Fort La-d-daddles in October. Mixed feelings about that one but desperate to see friends & feel heat....could be hurricane though...hmmmm.......

Lately, I'm dreaming of getting outta here. I got some ideas. These include: Tucson, Austin, Denver.....to name a few. I'm craving heat & sun....I guess its true what they say...."You can take the girl outta Texas but you can't take the Texas outta the girl". Who knew? Perfect would be part-time physician, shoe boutique owner, & a farm with cats, sheep, & hens....& absence from the country 3/12 months! Ridiculous you say? Impossible? Impossible is nothing....imagine it & it will be so. I miss my momma & my daddy....its really quite simple. Christina told me a few weeks ago, "Come home & fill your cup"--how can I argue with someone who likely knows me better than myself & still loves me all the same? Another friend suggested I keep the keys of my happiness in my own pocket....which I'm pretty good at but sometimes I misplace them, I always find them though--that's something.

I'm gonna love me some bicycle now; my cup's empty & I'm sitting here in the cafe fiddlin' with toxic internet & I can see blue, so......