Bethel: the last word

For all of you who are tired of my hating on Bethel, well....just don't read on....there is a blog description...uhummmm....a disclaimer above that warns about proclamations, rants, etc.....so, without further adieu....

Some peeps: "So, how was Bethel....?"

Me: ("Well, imagine.....a gal in her mid to late 30's (or something like that), just up for air from emotional life crisis 2 months prior, goes to Bethel for six weeks, in the middle of winter, leaving behind her comfortable bed, moderately priced vegetables, varied diet, microbrews, glorious bed, hot, supportive, loving boyfriend, really nice winter triathlon training, and civilized world- Anchorage, to live with two 20 something year old males (she's never met before) in a 3 bedroom condo home where the temperature is controlled by satan at an alternate, undisclosed location....to share one functioning bathroom, where everyone has to be at work by 8 a.m., nobody wants to get up for the early bathroom shift, someone perpetually leaves the toilet seat up & all of us refuse to clean any portion of said home. (....ahhh.....deja vu)......I've already done this, in the late 90's, when I was in my early to mid 20's & in college, when it was acceptable to eat beans & rice every night with the occasional Ramen Noodle treat thrown in for variety.")

"It wasn't for me....but I have never appreciated Anchorage more"

(By the by....the two guys were actually very nice)

Officially....

I have set my sights on Denver...post-residency, Denver it is. You know, in Colorado....the one with 300+ days of sunshine and four distinct seasons. I have 17 months to go.

I like you Alaska but I need to move out for now & I can't make promises about speedy returns.

I've been researching Denver obsessively. James & I have talked endless hours about it...I'm too excited & he is totally stoked...these feelings juxtaposed with my Bethel experience of course, which is currently in progress, if you haven't already noticed.

Alas, Denver was always at the top of the list, at least for the past 6 months, but now I am making plans & I can hear it calling me....constantly. I want to go right at this moment but...you know, obligations & whatnot.

I am working on the art of patience, something I was once good at. My good friend Dan once said, "Residency can make you one dimentional"...he is so wise. Residency has done a lot of good, but there are a lot of suboptimal experiences as well. For the next 17 months (and beyond), I will work on reclaiming my 3-D self & shaking off the negative....and I will plot my next move....Denver.

Solitude, self imposed vs. forced...is it pony shit or does your life depend on it?...

Many hours spent sitting & thinking...about what I'm supposed to get out of this Bethel business. I'm not talking about the education part....blah, blah, blah...I'm talking about the other stuff. Frankly, the part that I care about, the shit that really matters...

Everyday, I make progress. Part of it is me remembering, to be me; you know, me with open mind, as I once had, before I let circumstance close in around me, when I really believed that the world was truly my oyster....before I let complication & responsibility clutter my life. Really, life has always been as complex, & I have always had responsibilities. Somehow though, I was more at peace. What did I let slip through my gyri to land myself in this life, as I know it now? Some things, I did not intend. All of it though, is my fault.

I guess I am chewing on what I want out of my life in general. Isn't there time to chew on this longer? Well, its all about perspective. My perspective: I have this one life to live, & the time to live it is now. If I adopt this as gospel though...I would be on the next plane out of Bethel, quit residency, and pitch a tent...I'd spend my days trail running and sleeping in sunbeams. Would I? First, why do I see that as the jewel? Do I see this chapter of my life (residency in general) as a close second to what I'd rather be doing? Or even a third, fourth....fifth.... not a all? How do I make amends with my choices? Should I make amends? Maybe I should examine closer, with different eyes, my alternatives in general and specifically, that experience I covet as the jewel.

There is a lot to be said about life in slow motion; I can't do anything about time, but I can change my perception of it. I am attracted to remote spaces,....but I thought myself more of an urban gal. The deal is....in urbania, its easy to forget to savor & be in the moment, comfortable without the next thing yet to experience....my life revolves around plans, future, "to do", "can't forget to...", list making. For Pete's sake...how is it that I am mildly riddled with guilt when I think about how I haven't gone snowboarding this season or spending more time outside this winter? I shouldn't feel guilty; that's toxically wrong. I'm starting to think I just live in a state of unease...feeling of missing out, something left undone, something is unraveled...the antithesis of serene. I know better than this, my foundation is rural; how do I get back to that? Do I really want that back? You know, if you never drive out of the city, you won't be able to see the stars?

Being here feels a little like withdrawal, detox...from plans, superficiality, materialism, triviality (making up the majority of shit) addiction to...hastiness? Am I addicted to haste & motion...which I have certainly mistaken as progress?....to being constantly externally stimulated, concerned about "what's next?". Why does there have to be anything next? I'm exhausted with all the hoops & requirements. "Next"...this may be the most taken for granted concept.

How much better,...or worse, would our relationships be if we did not have all of the exogenous bullshit? What do you usually fight about? James & I are still learning about each other, a lifelong learning experience I suppose; we're two years into it by the way. So, we go tete a tete because of ego....usually. But there is all manner of surface content that may be the result of having too many options as opposed to too little.

Its all a great lead-up to a tragic wreck for a rural operating system (i.e., my brain) in an urban network. Furthermore, when did ANC become urban in my mind....what the hell?

Oopsie daisy....

A good policy: Mandatory aloneness with brain annually. Its like spring cleaning....you really get into those hard to reach areas, sometimes you even find yourself standing on the stool, searching on the high shelf, for that shit you boxed up a while back or sometimes it just falls on your head while you are rummaging around for something else....either way, it won't leave until you confront it....its like cockroaches (C~, I'm sorry for the reference)....

Bethel....is it horsehit? Day #1:

Awake, 5 a.m. (Thank you Jamie for your support & muscles, almost 150 lbs. of luggage to move...6 weeks of food for one...and some boots--well, you know me :)

Landed, 8 a.m. this morning.

Bethel, temperature, -15...or something, colder with the windchill factor, flat & dark.

Me, sleepy, disoriented, cold....my first Bethel thought...."What tha....this is horseshit!"

Later, sunshine...I can see now, yep...its flat, no trees....no trees.

Me, legs & hands frozen....parka fur rimmed hood, never really used, no longer just an accessory...

So, I decided to try on a new attitude since I've been such a stinker for the past week in anticipation of leaving the comforts of my cocoon, my guy, my bed, my gym, my reasonably priced food....let us sight see!....& get salad...

Ford Explorer...not in the mood for exploring...dead, battery dead...plug 'er in & we'll see what happens.

My ass, back inside, de-bundle....

Bethel: today, you are a shit.

CARNIVORE NATION: Miss Texas revisits her roots....

Ah, Tejas. James asked me before I came home, "What are you most looking forward to, besides seeing your family?" I replied, "The smell".

Truly, it smells wonderful here, indescribable....like home I guess, whatever that smells like, different to everyone.

So, I had some goals, mostly I achieved them. They included the following:

1: Eat BBQ

2: Eat Chik-fil-a

3: Eat Sonic

4: Knit like a mad person

5: Run outside

So, I did eat the equivalent of a barnyard of animals & a small school of fish (it was a catfish fry; of course, catfish are solitary, no schooling but whatEVA!). For this, I apologize to Buddha & PETA. James, on the other hand, will be quite proud that I ate all of these animals; I hope he has a parade for me when I get home & a vegetarian meal prepared.

My parents gave me money for my birthday. I am thankful. I spent it on yarn, aforementioned food, & some very fabulous pretties from VS. Not all of it though.

Ya know, I thought I'd do a lot more thinking here. After all, this is my first trip in 20 months. I anticipated a massive cathartic head cleaning. There are tasks that I had planned on doing while here, aside from those important ones above. Actually, some serious ones--facing the past; I thought it might be important. I waited for that drive to push me out there into the road. It never happened. It seems....I didn't need to do it. I guess there was a metamorphosis.

I'm looking forward to the snow back in ANC & snuggles from Jamie.

Miss Texas....

So, that's right, long time, no write. I'm a girl interrupted up to this point, for some time now actually. Thoughts are at least collected now, collected in a box, on a shelf, put away. So, now, I'm present!

I've come to the peak of my uphill, I feel. Its not exactly exhilarating downhill from here, but its gonna be a little cool breeze on the face. I'm at about my half way point of residency. Boards are done, just today. And I'm headed to TEXAS

(on Monday)!

I crave my own experiences, my time, time that belongs to me. Lately, I care less about what needs to be done & I do what I need. Knitting, my comforting friend. Acroyoga & pilates, new delights. There's a guitar in the house now, a new friend-we're still learning about each other. Lessons, coming soon. Running, speaks for itself. I take care.

I dream....of that SUPER COOL, ELECTRIC, SEXY shoe boutique that I'm gonna have some day.....with my cat & my dog keeping me company, my music huggin' on my soul & ...my cup of coffee.

Retrospect, hindsight.....not exactly. Future, forward....embracing the divine being that I am....I grin everyday....I wish everyone BIG, TOOTHY, TEXAS SMILES!