Many hours spent sitting & thinking...about what I'm supposed to get out of this Bethel business. I'm not talking about the education part....blah, blah, blah...I'm talking about the other stuff. Frankly, the part that I care about, the shit that really matters...
Everyday, I make progress. Part of it is me remembering, to be me; you know, me with open mind, as I once had, before I let circumstance close in around me, when I really believed that the world was truly my oyster....before I let complication & responsibility clutter my life. Really, life has always been as complex, & I have always had responsibilities. Somehow though, I was more at peace. What did I let slip through my gyri to land myself in this life, as I know it now? Some things, I did not intend. All of it though, is my fault.
I guess I am chewing on what I want out of my life in general. Isn't there time to chew on this longer? Well, its all about perspective. My perspective: I have this one life to live, & the time to live it is now. If I adopt this as gospel though...I would be on the next plane out of Bethel, quit residency, and pitch a tent...I'd spend my days trail running and sleeping in sunbeams. Would I? First, why do I see that as the jewel? Do I see this chapter of my life (residency in general) as a close second to what I'd rather be doing? Or even a third, fourth....fifth.... not a all? How do I make amends with my choices? Should I make amends? Maybe I should examine closer, with different eyes, my alternatives in general and specifically, that experience I covet as the jewel.
There is a lot to be said about life in slow motion; I can't do anything about time, but I can change my perception of it. I am attracted to remote spaces,....but I thought myself more of an urban gal. The deal is....in urbania, its easy to forget to savor & be in the moment, comfortable without the next thing yet to experience....my life revolves around plans, future, "to do", "can't forget to...", list making. For Pete's sake...how is it that I am mildly riddled with guilt when I think about how I haven't gone snowboarding this season or spending more time outside this winter? I shouldn't feel guilty; that's toxically wrong. I'm starting to think I just live in a state of unease...feeling of missing out, something left undone, something is unraveled...the antithesis of serene. I know better than this, my foundation is rural; how do I get back to that? Do I really want that back? You know, if you never drive out of the city, you won't be able to see the stars?
Being here feels a little like withdrawal, detox...from plans, superficiality, materialism, triviality (making up the majority of shit) addiction to...hastiness? Am I addicted to haste & motion...which I have certainly mistaken as progress?....to being constantly externally stimulated, concerned about "what's next?". Why does there have to be anything next? I'm exhausted with all the hoops & requirements. "Next"...this may be the most taken for granted concept.
How much better,...or worse, would our relationships be if we did not have all of the exogenous bullshit? What do you usually fight about? James & I are still learning about each other, a lifelong learning experience I suppose; we're two years into it by the way. So, we go tete a tete because of ego....usually. But there is all manner of surface content that may be the result of having too many options as opposed to too little.
Its all a great lead-up to a tragic wreck for a rural operating system (i.e., my brain) in an urban network. Furthermore, when did ANC become urban in my mind....what the hell?
