Its been over a year since my last blog; I typically put fingers to keyboard only in those milestone, epic, poignant moments in life. I’m usually stomping through bullshit. I’m happy to report that the last year has been a stable serotonin magic carpet, sans the actually SSRI, au natural, all my brainpower with sideline support from Christina of course. So, I guess that’s good, or boring….however you want to think about it, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”, isn’t that how the saying goes? Maybe you don’t think it quite fits the situation but I think it’s a perfect description.
So, now I return but my medium is not the aforementioned bullshit; the medium at present is more like sweet butterfly shit if you will. As usually, I do everything late, not because I come to revelations routinely after everyone but rather, I’m late because I’m stubborn, just pure obstinate. I mean, yes, sometimes I arrive at sharp, penetrating points later than I’d like to have but hell, at least I arrived, right. Anyway, I digress….this milestone, so, this milestone….easy to arrive at & heavy to surpass, but I’m moving along, slow, like on a unicycle, yeah, that’s pretty fast, & I likely look just as stupid.
Yes sir, its motherhood I speak so cryptically about. Its been a crooked journey at best to get here. I hadn’t sought it out, I had consented to it though (but of course J), but as all gifts in my life, I’m always surprised when I open them. The first part of this story was cold (literally, I had wicked cold intolerance), nauseating (don’t even get me started), and draining (my nocturia is worse than a 90 year old man with uncontrolled, untreated BPH). At first, I was all, “what have I done, this is surely to abscond with my independence, my person!” Then it was all, “what if I don’t have the mothering gene?”. I mean, those who know me well know I’m NOT a baby person, I don’t’ feel a drop of anything when I see babies; now cats, cats make me turn into a blathering idiot…my heart turns flips….I suspect this is how people who love babies feel when they lay eyes on them. This is an alien sentiment to me. I had a big breakdown about that & in the end, realized its okay to just go on being me, its okay if I’m not a baby person; I thought about how cute its voice would probably be & decided I would be just fine. The final resolve came when I told my mom & dad, who were very excited. Bless their hearts, they have something like 13 grand/great-grand kids with one on the way & now another on the way; they rise to the occasion time after time, god how I love them….after that, I found my peace.
Now, if I could only conquer my aversion to meat. I’ve been on the “lets all get gestational diabetes” carbohydrate diet. I’ve gone back to the vegetarianism, am continuing to run like the devil’s chasing me with farting cockroaches & I may still do the Goldnugget in spring….
