CARNIVORE NATION: Miss Texas revisits her roots....

Ah, Tejas. James asked me before I came home, "What are you most looking forward to, besides seeing your family?" I replied, "The smell".

Truly, it smells wonderful here, indescribable....like home I guess, whatever that smells like, different to everyone.

So, I had some goals, mostly I achieved them. They included the following:

1: Eat BBQ

2: Eat Chik-fil-a

3: Eat Sonic

4: Knit like a mad person

5: Run outside

So, I did eat the equivalent of a barnyard of animals & a small school of fish (it was a catfish fry; of course, catfish are solitary, no schooling but whatEVA!). For this, I apologize to Buddha & PETA. James, on the other hand, will be quite proud that I ate all of these animals; I hope he has a parade for me when I get home & a vegetarian meal prepared.

My parents gave me money for my birthday. I am thankful. I spent it on yarn, aforementioned food, & some very fabulous pretties from VS. Not all of it though.

Ya know, I thought I'd do a lot more thinking here. After all, this is my first trip in 20 months. I anticipated a massive cathartic head cleaning. There are tasks that I had planned on doing while here, aside from those important ones above. Actually, some serious ones--facing the past; I thought it might be important. I waited for that drive to push me out there into the road. It never happened. It seems....I didn't need to do it. I guess there was a metamorphosis.

I'm looking forward to the snow back in ANC & snuggles from Jamie.

Miss Texas....

So, that's right, long time, no write. I'm a girl interrupted up to this point, for some time now actually. Thoughts are at least collected now, collected in a box, on a shelf, put away. So, now, I'm present!

I've come to the peak of my uphill, I feel. Its not exactly exhilarating downhill from here, but its gonna be a little cool breeze on the face. I'm at about my half way point of residency. Boards are done, just today. And I'm headed to TEXAS

(on Monday)!

I crave my own experiences, my time, time that belongs to me. Lately, I care less about what needs to be done & I do what I need. Knitting, my comforting friend. Acroyoga & pilates, new delights. There's a guitar in the house now, a new friend-we're still learning about each other. Lessons, coming soon. Running, speaks for itself. I take care.

I dream....of that SUPER COOL, ELECTRIC, SEXY shoe boutique that I'm gonna have some day.....with my cat & my dog keeping me company, my music huggin' on my soul & ...my cup of coffee.

Retrospect, hindsight.....not exactly. Future, forward....embracing the divine being that I am....I grin everyday....I wish everyone BIG, TOOTHY, TEXAS SMILES!

The little girl & her sad light....

It seems that when I NEED to write, I don't write, I can't write. I tried to write 3 other times & I just don't find myself being that honest; I can't find my voice. This past month's been a thorny one, one for the record books maybe. I've been reading voraciously. Dealing with your baggage in stages....well, its hooorrrsseeeshiiitttt......Everyday, in my head, from beginning to end, without interruption....exhausting. Everyday, my anti-matra...."I need to get outta here, I need outta here!"....anti-matra because its negative, its not productive. The matra should be, "Embrace today, life is now".

Now....fall is here. Well, today it snowed (mixed feelings), nothing to stick but close analysis of precipitation by an experienced eye, did result in unequivocal determination that snowflakes were in fact falling in our sky, over Midtown. I'm in a hole & I'm hoping that I don't get stuck down in it, that the snow doesn't close over me.

Winter is just over our mountains. I'm typically more active....its dark, cold, there's snow....all hours of the day so fuck it.....lets go play. In Alaska, this year, the little girl from Texas put her expectation of sun on the table & it only resulted in disappointment. Oh expectation, what a two-faced monster....two-thirds hope & one-third steadfast disappointment, recipe for disaster.....bummer dude.

I am not sure how things will play out. I have a sad light though; its a wise move, to stock up on serotonin.

Alpha brain waves.....I got some up in here....

Synonymous with zen-ness.....lately, I am not undone. In fact, no ranting, at least not from me....maybe from the peanut gallery though, per the usual. What's the key? I think part tinture of time, part sans internet, & I think, part sunshine. So, I know, I had to have internet to do what I'm doing--well, I'm at Middleway Cafe = free internet. I used up all my data in 2 weeks time so home internet's on vacay....what the hell does that mean anyway? This prompted some self reflection....too much internet lady. I like the simplicity. I like not obsessing. I like not caring....caring less actually. I still have the phone; I think that'll do for now.

As for the sunshine, we had summer last week. I think it is fall now. I rode my bike like a crazy person that whole time. Its just less appealing to me in the rain. I miss the color blue when I look up. Soon though. I'm headed to Fort La-d-daddles in October. Mixed feelings about that one but desperate to see friends & feel heat....could be hurricane though...hmmmm.......

Lately, I'm dreaming of getting outta here. I got some ideas. These include: Tucson, Austin, Denver.....to name a few. I'm craving heat & sun....I guess its true what they say...."You can take the girl outta Texas but you can't take the Texas outta the girl". Who knew? Perfect would be part-time physician, shoe boutique owner, & a farm with cats, sheep, & hens....& absence from the country 3/12 months! Ridiculous you say? Impossible? Impossible is nothing....imagine it & it will be so. I miss my momma & my daddy....its really quite simple. Christina told me a few weeks ago, "Come home & fill your cup"--how can I argue with someone who likely knows me better than myself & still loves me all the same? Another friend suggested I keep the keys of my happiness in my own pocket....which I'm pretty good at but sometimes I misplace them, I always find them though--that's something.

I'm gonna love me some bicycle now; my cup's empty & I'm sitting here in the cafe fiddlin' with toxic internet & I can see blue, so......

It takes all kinds...I have to try to be a better person....& who says stubborn isn't the bomb attribute....what do y'all know anyway?

Some peeps take themselves pretty serious & think everyone else should too. We all know & love people like this. Ironically, I don't take them that serious; I try not to anyway. Others are just uncool tools. Not the ones that tell jokes that aren't funny or wear hair from the 80's, I love those people; rather, the whole lot of pedants, narcissists....the clueless chumps & crazy fruitbats; those persons....they wouldn't know humility if it bit 'em in the ass. I'm working on finding the love for those people. Its fine to toot your own horn every now & again but...."...slow it down man!....Your giv'n me a headache." (Homemade biscuits to the one who knows where that quote's from?)

Type A personalities....yeah, I got ya some of that right here....well, I don't think so but certain someones tell me that I have a smidge of this....I TOTALLY disagree (denial) but what-EVA.....I perceive myself as laid back. Of course, if you accuse me of the ol' type A, I will argue with you on this until the cows come home. Rather than type A, I prefer stubborn. Stubborn's not the greatest attribute though but it does get you through some rough ass situations; por ejemplo, el divorcio, medical school, assholes at work, douche bags in life, survival situations....all manner of problemas. I guess, I should think more on how I present my stubbornness though, should I? Maybe I'm harsh, abrasive....I admit I can be both. I aspire to: think about...trying to...work on....my delivery with the stubborn I carry around. I wonder if its about having something to prove? Being heard? Ah....being understood. Being understood is sweet. Is being kind sweeter? How to deal with stubborn....I'm still workin' on that but the bitch of it will be changing when I figure it out, right?

There are loads of things I need to work on. Unfortunately, it often takes a crushing event in life to snap you out of your lull. Its nice though, finally....reacquaintance with breathing, the feeling of coming up for air. Not today, but I had that feeling yesteryear. These days, I sometimes have those crap moments where you realize there is no way, no how you can go on another day, not another moment of all this horseshit, its suffocating. Standing in a line, waiting in traffic.....listening to whining....(I'm whining but you only have to read it so shut it up). Where do I reground? Well, I have Christina, running, fish, books, music, meditation, writing, the desert....stubbornness translated into LIVE you big idiot!....these bring me solace. What keeps me from skipping town, disappearing? Commitment, my word, that voice inside that says, "Stop with the selfishness right now!"....(yeah, that voice....she's a bossy crabass).

Seven Reasons I love backpacking....

1. Getting away from civilization: when I get back though, my patience is still short for crazy drivers & traffic.
2. Turning the phone off: I hate having anxiety when I have to turn it back on.
3. No panties: Yayyyyy....!
4. Not having to take a bath! Its amazing how smelly your body can get, sometimes you find yourself saying...."Wow, that's a new one" when you sniff your armpit--doesn't matter, whomever you're with can't smell it--your smell receptors must block it out after some time: Hot shower after is glorious
5. Hot meal after long day of hiking--everything tastes great!: even the gourmet meal when you get home doesn't compare to the hot one you had sitting in the rain.
6. Pooping in woods: 'nuff said...
7. Cuddlin' in a tent: Well, cuddlin' at home is pretty grand too...

Oops....I see your soul; its poking through your.....Installment #2: What running teaches me...

Running helps me sort through bullshit. When I run, I try to be blank, clear....free. I place my worries in a box, in a closet, on a shelf. Running is for creating, for simplifying, for finding peace....its for changing attitude, for introspective monologuing. I need running.

Since second year has rolled around, actually, passing fast....I am untangling more with each day. I am finding new ideas-I thought everything had floated into the blackhole of my cosmic mind five years ago; I am contemplating places & what is possible. I'm not surprised. Today, I decide to put resentment in a box, in a closet, on a shelf.....when I collect enough shit, I'm gonna set it on fire!

Running teaches me.

Remarks on death: its inevitable....so what

So, I had to go to the nursing home yesterday to meet a few new patients. Delightful gals.....one is 92 & the other is 102. Huh. They're gorgeous, sharp, only a touch of dementia. Instant adoration on my part~I love me some older folks! So, there's the matter of an abdominal aortic aneurysm with one of these sweetpeas....basically, you can just look at her little belly & watch the pulsations-that thing could go like a blow-hole any second....or not. Someone inquires, "Will it hurt if that bursts?....Me: "Will it hurt? Probably, all of her blood will leak into her belly & she'll pass out in about 45 seconds....probably it'll be painful (what do I know about an AAA rupturing & how long it'll take to go & whether it'll hurt?).... probably about a minute, give or take (probably not worse than childbirth)....but considering ways to go when you're 92, I'd say, its not bad." "Most death hurts, right?" Person: "Well you better tell her friend, she's worried." Me: "That's so ridiculous, I didn't even think of it." Needless to say, I got the stink eye for this comment to which I replied, "Dang, I can't ensure that people have spontaneous painless natural deaths; we've all gotta die of something." I have enough on my plate. Letting people go when its their time, that's something we should be more on board with. It's ok if someone dies naturally when they're over 90 years old; if you are surprised that someone over 90 dies....you are delusional & you should see someone about that. That's weird.

What is our preoccupation with letting our elders go? I won't say its not sad, but come on now, show us those coping skills, death is gonna happen, it's not the great unknown outcome. I say, live life & be happy for those who have! Death is for certain, tomorrow is not.

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions & billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it." ~Mark Twain

Oops....I see your soul; its poking through your.....Installment #1: A what the fuck moment...my soul is zombie.....-ish

So residency is super challenging; its not the time of my life & internship year was not even the most challenging year of my life, but it did suck me dry all the same. Really, spirit demolition. I reflected on this the other day while hiking....when did this happen? Was it medical school? Was it a divorce? Who, what, when, & where & what the fuck? My conclusion: probably gradual, likely all of 'em & mostly the intern year. I told James my spirit was broken & he said it was the saddest thing he'd ever heard me say. I'm sure its not; probably the saddest thing he's heard from my mouth is, "Hey, we're outta of Texas toast". Then he promptly asked what I'm gonna do about that. Well, I'm not sure yet but I decided I'd better do something. I need a soul but with improvements. So, what next?..... It is all set in motion by running.....running heals the soul. Running is my church. Its my time in my head. I work things out......I'm working things out.....I will work everything out.....

Advice on the great move forward....TEXAS translation: Why you keep bringin' up old shit?

Step #1: Dissolution of your delusion-you gotta figure out the delusion first....this requires honesty....something that many long standing delusionists lack....I don't know what to tell you about that-I don't know, ask a friend to help you figure out the delusion- I'll bet you my medical degree that everyone else is wise to your delusion...except little ol' youuuu.....

TEXAS translation: Stop being a nut bag, its never gonna happen & everyone's talkin' about ya like yo' cheese done slid off yo' cracka...."....& eventually your drama becomes boring too...& Texans don't like bored....life's too short!

Step #2: Grasp self respect-you can usually tell you're at that step when you hear yourself saying something & the next thought in your mind is, "I just totally compromised my entire person".

TEXAS translation: What the hell did I just say?--& the other person is looking at you with disgust because you have no backbone....& if you were talking too long, they may look blank because their off chasing rabbits in their mind...

Step #3: Self realization-are you an innately happy or depressed person?

TEXAS translation: Are you "well, al' right, al' right..." or are you a tit sucker?

Step #4: Awake from your self absorbed smog cloud & remember that you fucked up yesterday by being a self-loathing lunatic-but, if you're waking up, you got another chance....

TEXAS translation: It's not all about you! Quit fuckin' around....

Step #5: Eat something, that always makes one feel better.

TEXAS translation: bbq pork ribs & Texas toast...& pecan pie....yeah, that'll work for breakfast....if you're vegetarian, as I am a poor one,....that means "oh you don't eat meat-I don't understand....I make chicken."

Step #6: Cry

TEXAS translation: A Texas female-mascara running all over the place, very dramatic, something may get torn up.... a Texas male-a nat flew in my eye....

Step #7: Meditate-on nothing....

TEXAS translation: Fishing.

Step #8: Smile really big, (unless you have fucked up yellow teeth & then ya may just wanna grin)....well, then grin on...

TEXAS translation: Smile-even if you only have gums...its beautiful! Oh please, who am I kidding, Texas has fluoride in their water....we all have gorgeous teeth....

Step #9: Observe the objective data...

TEXAS translation: The writing's on the wall dude-everyone's moved on except you....

Step #10: Careful, its a thin line....don't mistake movement for progress...be still & present.

TEXAS translation: " I want to move to the big city of Dallas....but I don't know....the traffic's bad, there's a lot a crime....I don't know...."....I'll move to Tyler instead....(sorry, only the Texas peeps will get that one)

JANE translation on the whole thing: When I have reflected on 10 years past & measured my regrets against my present....I imagine my regrets would only be those things I did not risk....I feel I have risked a lot....thoughts that make me sad-I do not recount as regrets....I regard them as reminders that I am ALIVE! Self examination is ugly & liberating.....get some for yourself....