The little girl & her sad light....

It seems that when I NEED to write, I don't write, I can't write. I tried to write 3 other times & I just don't find myself being that honest; I can't find my voice. This past month's been a thorny one, one for the record books maybe. I've been reading voraciously. Dealing with your baggage in stages....well, its hooorrrsseeeshiiitttt......Everyday, in my head, from beginning to end, without interruption....exhausting. Everyday, my anti-matra...."I need to get outta here, I need outta here!"....anti-matra because its negative, its not productive. The matra should be, "Embrace today, life is now".

Now....fall is here. Well, today it snowed (mixed feelings), nothing to stick but close analysis of precipitation by an experienced eye, did result in unequivocal determination that snowflakes were in fact falling in our sky, over Midtown. I'm in a hole & I'm hoping that I don't get stuck down in it, that the snow doesn't close over me.

Winter is just over our mountains. I'm typically more active....its dark, cold, there's snow....all hours of the day so fuck it.....lets go play. In Alaska, this year, the little girl from Texas put her expectation of sun on the table & it only resulted in disappointment. Oh expectation, what a two-faced monster....two-thirds hope & one-third steadfast disappointment, recipe for disaster.....bummer dude.

I am not sure how things will play out. I have a sad light though; its a wise move, to stock up on serotonin.

Alpha brain waves.....I got some up in here....

Synonymous with zen-ness.....lately, I am not undone. In fact, no ranting, at least not from me....maybe from the peanut gallery though, per the usual. What's the key? I think part tinture of time, part sans internet, & I think, part sunshine. So, I know, I had to have internet to do what I'm doing--well, I'm at Middleway Cafe = free internet. I used up all my data in 2 weeks time so home internet's on vacay....what the hell does that mean anyway? This prompted some self reflection....too much internet lady. I like the simplicity. I like not obsessing. I like not caring....caring less actually. I still have the phone; I think that'll do for now.

As for the sunshine, we had summer last week. I think it is fall now. I rode my bike like a crazy person that whole time. Its just less appealing to me in the rain. I miss the color blue when I look up. Soon though. I'm headed to Fort La-d-daddles in October. Mixed feelings about that one but desperate to see friends & feel heat....could be hurricane though...hmmmm.......

Lately, I'm dreaming of getting outta here. I got some ideas. These include: Tucson, Austin, Denver.....to name a few. I'm craving heat & sun....I guess its true what they say...."You can take the girl outta Texas but you can't take the Texas outta the girl". Who knew? Perfect would be part-time physician, shoe boutique owner, & a farm with cats, sheep, & hens....& absence from the country 3/12 months! Ridiculous you say? Impossible? Impossible is nothing....imagine it & it will be so. I miss my momma & my daddy....its really quite simple. Christina told me a few weeks ago, "Come home & fill your cup"--how can I argue with someone who likely knows me better than myself & still loves me all the same? Another friend suggested I keep the keys of my happiness in my own pocket....which I'm pretty good at but sometimes I misplace them, I always find them though--that's something.

I'm gonna love me some bicycle now; my cup's empty & I'm sitting here in the cafe fiddlin' with toxic internet & I can see blue, so......