So I've decided to move back to Texas. James's idea. We started this process months ago, the thinking and contemplating and then the plunge (the breaking up with work, my own patients, friends, my gynecologist, my primary care doctor, the gal who does my lashes and my esthetician). It was bittersweet really because I love my clinic/work and its hard to get excited about another when you feel happy with the current. This is where we've been the longest (since 2013), even longer than Alaska. We had little Jess here... Portland. I actually have so, so many memories in Portland. I lived another life really, a married without kids life, back when Portland was perfect and I was part of retired youth, the early 2000's.
I returned to northeast Texas a month ago for a job interview. It was a culture shock--Never mind that I grew up there for a good 26 years. Still, CUL-TURE shock! I had very frigid feet about moving upon my return but not enough to withdraw my decision. You know, it is just so religious there, so in your face, so how will this affect my kids, how does this mesh with my family values, how does this affect my kids, will I fuck them up?...will they actually become real life Bo and Luke Dukes? I feel secure in my identity as an atheist but the living is just so easy in Portland...for an atheist. I did panic. I did, on the way back home from Texas, at the airport, in Dallas...I signed up for the East Texas Atheist group. I haven't responded to their FB group questions...yet.
The other thing was the commitment to work, a 6 year stint. I have regarded myself, along with many people from my past, as a commitment phobic person. I get really nervous about that, I usually cannot commit to a get together if it is not in the coming 3 days...its pretty bad by myself. Though, I've had to overcome this a bit with kids because you have to commit to things lest their hearts become broken and there I am, the asshole--I hate that. However, after some contemplation, perhaps I've just bought into this identity trait--I have actually committed to many relationships: once for 8 years (a marriage), another 8 years in my late teens-early 20s--this was very dysfunctional with frequent breaking up though--possibly I've never dated so much in my life during those 8 years...several times I committed to 9 month relationships (planned breakups due to planned leaving of the country for travel--important in your 20s I think) and most importantly, to James, going on 10 years now--fascinating really because nobody thought we'd make it, well mostly his ex-girlfriend didn't think we would, haha... Also, I committed to medical school, residency and my current job (5 years) thank you very much so apparently, commitment is not the problem we all thought it was for me--I have stick-to-i-tive-ness after all!
I am rabbit trailing though...
There are many positive aspects to Texas: lower lost of living, land--acreage really, the experience of building your home as you want and being able to afford that (not in Portland), great PUBLIC schools, growing up in Texas, being from Texas (this is the coolest though Alaska is a very close second), very aggressively nice folks....
I can only say that after much contemplation, mostly on a 40 minute drive to work one fine morning, I decided I am ok, ok with the 6 year commitment to a job ("or else you have to pay us back the 300 bazillion dollars we gave you" situation) and the aggressive religious undertones that may isolate my children in school when kids find out their parents are atheists--I am ok because my reason, our reason (remember, James's idea) is sound--FAMILY--I have this amazing, magical family that makes me laugh, loves me for me, quirky, full of fire and gusto Texas family that would be criminal to not expose my most beloved souls to--that James, my Jack and Jess...I realized that my heart is where ever they are and my home is where my heart is and my heart is that of a mother and if you're a mother...then enough said...I have to do this thing...
No comments:
Post a Comment