This is actually surprising to me seeing as though I was ready to get the hell outta there, away from the 6 month winters, the unreliable summers, the deficiency of sun dress & sandal wearing (plenty of boot weather though)...the overall deficiency of sunlight. Those sentiments likely had a little to do with my current status (you know, being in the family way) & a lotta to do with finishing residency(a sharp endpoint).
Durango is great on paper. There's endless trails; in fact, there's a trail system right outside our door. There's the Animas river which supplies endless fishing, tubing, & rafting (some of the most fun I've ever had), rock climbing (which I'd like to get back into), mountain biking (which I'd love to love)....its quite lovely, really, but it lacks a certain vibe. I haven't figured it out...Admittedly, I had the vibe in Alaska; it was right when I set foot on the plane headed to Alaska back in 2008.
Currently, I feel a little like we're floating, waiting....which we are, to some extent, on little Jack's entrance. I have no sense of home right now; I certainly don't feel that I belong in Colorado, not yet, not today at least. You know, Texas is my home, & when I'm at the house where I grew up, that feels comfortable, like home that's familiar, not really where you feel you belong though, more where I want to be from. It's too hot to live in Tejas though & too flat & too repulican.
I don't know, maybe it's because I don't have a set goal for the first time in my life. My goals are now to pursue my hobbies...you know, sewing, read everything, knit, travel, run my heart out....& oh yes, be the best doctor I can be & oh yeah, be a great mother....& partner, for James. All important, especially the latter two tasks...more important than anything probably.
I always move to a place with the intention of leaving at some point. I didn't move to Alaska thinking that; rather, I was hoping to put roots down there, but the possibility of moving on was always right there on the surface for me. I can't seem to shake that intrinsic character flaw. Its challenging to exist in a place without an endpoint.
I wonder, is this what people feel like when they retire?
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